Empty Nest Syndrome: 9 Things That Actually Helped (From Someone Who's Been There)
It is only midsummer but you can already feel fall in the air and in the change of the light. For some of you, that shift may carry a particular weight this year. September is coming and with it, a drop-off, and a (bitter-sweet) goodbye. The drive home feels very different from the drive there.
The empty nest transition can feel like a freight train hurtling toward you. You know it is coming and you cannot stop it. No matter how prepared you think you are, it can arrive harder than expected.
I wanted to share what I did and what worked for me in the hope that some of it might be food for thought for you too.
Plan a soft landing for day one
A friend invited me to come straight from the university drop-off to her place for wine (after my 3 hour drive home). I was not really in the mood to be social, feeling a little stunned, but was so grateful for landing in her kitchen instead of directly arriving in an empty home. We talked and laughed. I might have cried a little. I definitely cried when I got home. The point is not to avoid the feeling. The point is to not be alone with it the moment it hits. Full credit for this to my friend (I hope to be able to reciprocate this year) and I highly recommend stealing from this. Plan something, anything, for the hours immediately after the drop.
Book something to look forward to
Before my son left, I booked a long weekend away at the end of September. Having something on the calendar gave me a much needed horizon to look toward. Anticipating that trip carried me through the first month more than almost anything else. It was also the first trip in nineteen years where I had zero responsibilities which was its own revelation.
Commit to one night out a week
What about committing to one night a week, out of the house, meeting new people or trying something new? I took up a new racquet sport. I failed at it but in a genuinely fun way. The regularity of knowing that my Thursday nights were out of the house having fun turned out to be genius. The goal is not mastery. The goal is forward motion and being around people, and doing something fun and even feeling a bit rediculous, and not just getting better acquainted with your sofa.
Find your anchor projects
For me, an anchor project is a screen-free activity that concentrates your energy for an intense period of time. These are projects that you commit to, get absorbed by, and that refuels you, again, even if you fail. I taught myself piano, not super successfully. But success was not the point. The point was the absorption. When the house is too quiet and your thoughts are too loud, you need something that demands your full attention. Find that thing or try a few things. Leave them out on the dining table. Leave them all over the house. After all, it is now your space : )
Enrol in a year-long course
I signed up for a year-long course. My thinking was simple: even if the whole year is difficult, moving forward and doing something beats sitting still and obsessing over loss. Over the course of the year, I became a certified women's strength and performance coach. That decision made a tough period of my life into a bit of a transformation. (Thank you GirlsGoneStrong)
Find a therapist
I cannot say enough about the impact of having a trained, empathetic human whose entire job is to care about how you are doing. In addition, who will listen to the same story more than once becoming even more interested the second time around, ie. “this must be meaningful because we are circling back to this story.” This was my single biggest return on investment of the entire year. It is not easy and I am very aware that this is not in everyone’s reach. I do have other suggestions. Feel free to reach out and I can help brainstorm.
Reclaimed time can look like a lot things. Even this.
The daily five-minute call
Every single day: "Hey, how's your day looking?" That is it. This was not a long conversation. It was not always a meaningful one. But it was consistent, and I know that if I don’t answer, she is the most likely person to call 911! It was definitely not high impact every day but this turned into very important part of my day.
Plan for the hardest hours
For me, 6 to 8pm was the danger zone. That used to be family dinner with the rituals and routine that were pretty much the same every night. And then, suddenly, it was just me. Long dog walks and bike adventures transformed what could have been painful pity parties into something grounding, and even restorative. Getting outside and moving is extremely good for metabolizing difficult feelings. How can you turn this block of time into recharge time by planning something for those hours?
Sign up for meal delivery
It turns out even someone who loves cooking might stop cooking for one. I found that opening the fridge to actual, ready-made meals was a small and surprisingly delightful thing. I really loved it.
Underneath all of this
What I did not fully understand at the time is that the empty nest transition is not just about missing your child. It is about the sudden disappearance of a structure (and identity) that has organized your life for nearly two decades. This includes, the rhythm, the purpose and the daily necessity of showing up for someone else.
What fills that space now is up to you. You get to decide what comes next.
Connie Wansbrough is a Strength & Performance Coach based in Toronto. She works with high-performing women who are ready to invest in themselves, in the gym and beyond. Subscribe to her bi-weekly newsletter BETTER. FASTER. STRONGER. at conniewa.com
